Toeing the water

Strangers are strange. Friends are friendly. I used to hate the grocery store, hated it. I hated having contact with strangers. But something I learned in the woods is to open up to strangers, make friends. Like Forrest Gump said, “Well now we ain’t strangers anymore.”

I guess his naivety could have brought trouble upon him.

But instead it is curious to me why I can find so many flaws in the people I am closest to and yet strangers in hindsight all seem  “good people”.

I guess it takes some sort of bravery or innocence and forgiveness to become close to somebody. Is it because people cannot hold an act but for so long or because I have trouble letting poor decisions and mistakes of people slip away with time?

What if I met those who I was once close to as strangers. Would I think of them the same? Or because I could truly “get to know” them, everything would be different?

I somewhat enjoyed never being crushed, of never having that attachment to somebody so much that any minor disappointment would break my heart. I lived for four months without being hurt. The longest I had a friend was for seven days. But am I being true to myself denying the closeness of extended human relationships? Or am I saving myself the trouble of being hurt?

We all know that feeling of utter sickness, racing heart, lump in the throat, upset stomach when we are broken with disappointment from someone we love. That is love, I guess. Maybe I am just not mature enough to deal with it all. Maybe the escape, the peace, was necessary. But now I must perfect the art of letting go the mistakes of people just as they hopefully will forgive me of mine. I hate being imperfect.

I do miss that closeness though. It makes me feel alive, loving someone no matter how immature or unguided that love may be. A man told me that I need to match the logic with the emotional stand. He said to step back and breathe before acting. Act, don’t react. He told me that I would fall into a pit of emotion without remembering to lower the ladder first, trapped in open water in some cheesy movie.

Do I need it, the feeling of reliance? Or do I need self-reliance, learn to be alone, independent. For now the latter is the obvious choice. After the mistakes I made last year at school, starting from the beginning this year was the right decision. But what is the next step?

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